I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
