if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
We are all done wearing pants today
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
