I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I've blown a few things in my day
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
