Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
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