His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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