im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
