I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
