i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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