I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
