i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Randomize
