dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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