When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
