you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
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