I am spending my child support on dildos
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
