his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
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