the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Randomize
