My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
