I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
