It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Randomize
