We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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