um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
you win again, gameday.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
How external is "for external use only"?
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Randomize
