Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
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