I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
