i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
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