If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Randomize
