He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
