The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
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