ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
