ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
