Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
