; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
