hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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