I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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