I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
