watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
