Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
