he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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