I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
