first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Randomize
