I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
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