I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Randomize
