It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
