obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
