I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
that's an acceptable place to lick
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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