Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
