you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I need water and some morals
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
