No awkward lesbian experiences without me
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
