piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
