I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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