You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
