I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
If its not for food we ain't going out.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
