How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
